What Just Happened?!

This could potentially turn into a super long (and painful, for me anyway) post about my travels this past week...or as I like to call them the "comedy of errors that wouldn't quit"...so I'll try to sum it up in as few words as possible. But still get my point across.

Monday - flight from LAX to MEM (1619 miles) - slightly delayed, no real issues

Tuesday - long day of work, but no traveling!

Wednesday - flight from MEM to ATL (446 miles) - quite delayed...land in ATL approximately 10 minutes before my next flight was supposed to take off. Plane didn't wait for me...and 11 other people! I ran my heart out to that damn gate...but to no avail. Proceeded to the customer service desk for Delta, where I acted like a b-word and skipped to the front of the line (legit because of my status, but still seemed a little mean). Best they could do for me? A flight to Portland at 5pm on Thursday...sorry, not gonna work. Consolation prize? A flight to Salt Lake City (1589 miles), where I would have to spend the night. (Luckily a 1st class ticket) Not a single itinerary could get me into Portland on Wednesday night after I missed my connection. Lindsay = highly un-amused. Spend night in Salt Lake City....go to bed tired and crabby, but feeling fine.

Thursday - wake up at 5:45am for flight to Portland...but horribly nauseous. Throw up in hotel bathroom. Decide there's no way I could fly then. Go back to bed for 2 additional hours. Get up again...throw up again. A-ha! Got something out that time...start feeling better. Call Delta...obviously missed my 8:40am flight, but they put me on the 4:40pm flight to Portland. I rest a little more, and eat some crackers, and suck it up and take that flight (630 miles). (I'm pretty sure when I told the flight attendant my seat-back pocket didn't have a barf bag and I'd like one...all my flight-mates freaked out...kind of fun to cause that!)

Friday - get to attend work training, which is awesome. Great coworkers around, learned good stuff, hang out in Lake Oswego....all good stuff. Head to airport with 3 fabulous coworkers...all of us (and our luggage) crammed into a 2-door Ford Mustang. Priceless. Get to airport...somehow Delta cancelled the last leg of my trip...the PDX to LAX leg...i.e. get-to-go-home leg!!! Hang out at counter working with Alaska Air rep long enough that I miss the flight I was SUPPOSED to be on. They can't get me on another flight to LAX that night...but I could go stand-by...really?! Consolation prize? A flight to Orange County Airport instead. (884 miles) Now, normally I would have said "that is unacceptable" and fought until I got on that last LAX flight for the night. However, I happened to be traveling with a great friend, who was actually on that flight. So I happily obliged. Sweet WL offered to cart my sorry butt from Orange County back to my place in Santa Monica (thanks WL, I owe you one!). We then killed some time at the airport before the flight with one other coworker...my dinner consisted of french fries and dirty martinis. WL and I then boarded our flight...got a whole exit row to ourselves...and proceeded to have quite a nice little flight home. Not my original plan, but could have worked out way worse.

So if you didn't do that math, let me do it for you - that's 4 of 5 days this work week that I was on planes...and a grand total of 5,168 miles flown in those days. I also stayed in 3 different hotel rooms, went through airport security 4 times, and a partridge in a pear tree.

I...am...exhausted. I once again lived up to the nickname my parents gave me years ago...the S**T Magnet. Can't even argue. It's totally true. Luckily though, the end of the work week was fabulous, and I got to do some great stuff. Still was a great week...totally crazy...but still enjoyable. I really am George Clooney.

Eeewwwwwww

My travels take me all over the place, and have me staying in lots of different hotels all the time. I have stayed in some realllllllly nice hotels, and some super cool hotels, and some so-so hotels, and every once in awhile (thankfully, it's very rare) I get stuck in a not-so-great hotel. Welcome to the Residence Inn - Memphis East. Probably one of the grossest hotel rooms I've ever been stuck in...and this is my 3rd week in a row here, and all the different rooms I've stayed in (203, 204, and 216) have been the same. N-A-S-T-Y.

It's bad enough that the decor is straight outta 1985...dark green carpet, some dark green walls, microwaves from the same year, and some seriously ugly furniture. But you know what? I would be fine if it was just that the place was ugly...sometimes ugly can still be very comfortable. That's assuming it's clean. Here is a little peek into my paradise here:

Yeah....super ugly chair that is also fabulously STAINED!! With I-don't-want-to-know-what. You can rest easy tonight knowing that I have not gotten within 5 feet of that thing since I checked in.

And then, as if it couldn't get any worse than the stained chair:

Multiple...white...stains...on my dark green carpet. No, I didn't just put toothpaste on my carpet so I could make up a story (oh, how I wish that WERE the case). That is actually on my carpet in my room, in a lot of places. Way too many places. Including right outside the bathroom.

Glamourous travel lifestyle? Definitely not 100% of the time. I think I just threw up a little.

Party in Memphis

I've been working in Memphis for the past couple of weeks...and it's an interesting place, to say the least. Lots of great coworkers there, for sure - we've been having a pretty good time learning the ropes! I have 2 particularly funny things we found or overheard this week to share.

1. Elvis is EVERYWHERE in Memphis! Grocery stores, gas stations (actually on the gas pumps), posters....annnnnnd on wine bottles:

Yup, that's right...there is actually "The King of Rock 'n Roll" brand of wine! Awesome. And we thought it was pretty tasty too...but maybe we were just blinded by the picture of Elvis on the bottle.

2. Overheard at the sketchy Shell gas station by the airport in Memphis...to the best of my recollection...

(As I was waiting at the register for my credit card to be run for the rental car gas - nope, no credit cards taken at the pumps - and already laughing to myself because of the candy bowl at the register filled with condoms...right next to the gum...do you think that's like the penny bowl at most places? Take one, leave one? Eewwwwww...anyway...)

Random dude to clerk - "Hey...give me a box of the Magnums....extra sensitive."

(My face starts to turn red, and I already bite my lip to keep from busting out laughing)

Clerk to dude - "Extra sensitive?"

Dude - "Yeah...you know, the thinnest ones you've got. Yeeaaahhh."

Clerk grabs box, and then - "Like these?"

Dude - "Are those the thinnest you've got?"

Clerk - "Yes, sir."

Dude - "Damn. Um...okay then...nevermind. I'll just take the regulars. Yeeeaahhh."

Hahahahhaha....I seriously was thinking to myself, "Clerk, please run my card faster! I can't hold out this laughter much longer! Aaagggghhhh!" It was amazing. And the guy looked the part too. Whatever you're picturing in your head as you read that exchange...yup, that's probably right. Gold tooth and all.

I ran back to the rental car as fast as I could to relay the story to my 2 coworkers who were riding to the airport with me. We all busted a gut together at that point...and then continued to laugh about it, keep saying "yeeeaaaaaahh" to each other, etc. as we got to the airport, went through security, and hit up the Sky Club Lounge for some cocktails. Too funny.

I can't wait to go back for a couple more days...I'm sure there is even more fun in store for me and my fabulous coworkers.

Dear Chick-fil-A...

...you piss me off. Royally.

I already dislike you because you are openly anti-gay. Excuse me...who do you think you are?! Even though I already hadn't set foot in a Chick-fil-A for over a year, I swore it off upon learning that anyway. Um, you are a chicken-serving fast food restaurant. I know you think you're extra close to God because you aren't open on Sundays...but give us a break. You have no business getting involved in something as important (and currently messed up) as that. Just make your stupid chicken sandwiches and milkshakes, and hush up.

But after today, I am extra furious at that place. All of my coworkers had to have Chick-fil-A for lunch today...even the girl that brought her lunch today was going along and going to eat it there so she could be with everyone. I did not plan ahead and bring my lunch...so what was I to do? I decided to go with the gang (I didn't want to miss out on all the inevitable laughs that we share everyday at lunch!)...but I was disgruntled. I did a bit of moaning and whining to make my point...but eventually shut up.

I believe most anyone reading this knows that I don't eat any meat anymore (1 year and 3 months, and going as strong as ever!). So this presents a tricky situation at a chicken-focused place. I simply ordered the southwest salad with chicken...MINUS the chicken. Not that hard, right? Wrong. You would have thought I ordered fried alien for lunch. It took almost an additional 15 minutes just to get the order officially placed...yeah. The register guy had to call over his manager to work through this puzzle. They eventually figured out how to ring it up, and placed a "red flag" on the order (I'm not joking), whatever the heck that means. And throughout this dysfunctional process, they gave me funny looks and asked me multiple times if I was "sure I didn't want the chicken"...I almost lost it.

I eventually got my lunch, and it was okay, at best. I am for real swearing off Chick-fil-A this time. Ignorant, judgemental, sassy to non-meat-eaters, and food that's not even that good. No thanks. I'd rather eat cardboard.

"South Beach, Bringin' the Heat"

I mean, what can I really say about Miami that isn't already known? It's beautiful, hip, sunny, fun, glamourous, fabulous, yada yada yada. Will Smith told us everything we'll ever need to know about it in his kick-butt hit "Miami" from 1998.

I don't want to be TOO obvious with what I write about my trip here...such as, I get to have fun with this guy:

And holy cow...isn't it lovely here?!

So instead, I thought I'd focus on all the cool/weird/funny/HILARIOUS things I've seen while spending a few glorious days here. Enjoy.

1. Fontainebleau Hotel (and giant beach complex) - thank goodness my brother reminded me that this is the hotel where Whitney Houston put the moves on Kevin Costner in "The Bodyguard." Whew...I might have missed a real special moment being there otherwise!

2. 16 years ago this March, my family set sail for the Bahamas on the Carnival Ecstasy cruise ship (amazing time was had by all!) out of the Port of Miami...my brother and I just so happened to see that very same ship heading out to sea on Saturday. (It was moving faster than I would have thought...this is the best photo I could get!) Much reminiscing followed...."Remember when we pretended it was your birthday at dinner so you'd get a flaming cake and the staff would sing to us?" and "Remember when I fell down that flight of stairs on the way to dinner when we hit a giant wave?!"

3. It's a little tough to see in my picture here, but apparently Feb. 13 is International Condom Day...which this little plane proudly proclaimed over Miami Beach...over and over again. Seems a little strange that this "holiday" is the day before Valentine's Day, doesn't it? Maybe we should just merge those 2 together to make things more efficient...

4. Although, after seeing this pharmacy that proudly proclaims they provide "Free HIV Testing Daily," maybe International Condom Day really should get its own 24 hours to spread the word. (How gross does this place look?)

5. We stumbled upon this guy meditating on the beach...and instead of thinking "What a great idea...good for him," I proceeded to make fun and break into yoga poses. I think I got a few chuckles from other passers-by, but blue shirt was waaaaaaay too deep into his meditating to notice.

6. This might be my favorite from the whole trip so far...a place called Pleasure Emporium (yes, it's exactly what you think it is), blatantly displays a neon sign that says "Parking in Rear." Does anyone else think that's either the cleverest placement or the best mistaken placement of info ever?!

7. On Ocean Drive in South Beach, there are a few super cool, old cars that are just parked permanently for people to check out...this one is the creepiest though, as it has a statue that I think is supposed to be James Dean (?) in it, and every single time we went by it I got scared. You'd think after the 6th time I'd remember he was in there...

8. Miami Sailing Week is coming up. And it's main sponsor is Bacardi. Um...really?! I feel like Miami shouldn't be promoting alcohol and sailing together...but that's just me.

Ahhhhh, life...there are so many entertaining things all around us each and every day. I try really hard to pay attention to my surroundings so I can catch all these amazing things!! Thanks for so many great moments, Miami...you are pretty wonderful!! I already can't wait for my next trip to see you.

Bar Crawl!!

Better known as...return to college.

I am about a week behind in writing about this...but it's way too amazing to not address. Last weekend, one of my friends had her birthday celebration. To celebrate her 27th, AM decided she wanted to do a car crawl all over Santa Monica...with a theme. Dress code? "Golf Pros and Tennis Hos" - no, I'm not kidding. And we all obliged. Who would argue with the birthday girl?!

I'm not sure any of us remember for sure how many or which bars we went to...or how many drinks we had...but it doesn't matter. We all had the best time ever together! And 9 hours of drinking also taught us many lessons:

1. Sometimes cab rides can be almost as much (or more) fun than the actual destination.

2. When people put sunglasses on inside a bar, their attitudes grow exponentially. (I've never seen LM and JR look tougher or meaner)

3. Great girlfriends are the best.

4. Beer + testosterone = push-up contest in a bar.

5. Some bars have posted laws that say "No Sports Wear Allowed." We went in anyway. I guess no one noticed?

6. Finger pointing helps make any point stronger.

7. I REALLY love dogs. So much that I hug them whenever I see them.

8. ....and apparently sometimes think about kissing them?

9. A bar DOES exist where every hour is happy hour! Unfortunately, you still don't get happy hour prices 24 hours a day...weird. (And apparently WL just stands around in modeling poses so he's always ready for a photo-op such as this)

10. Sometimes you bend over and show your bloomers...and get caught.

11. Any excuse to have a dress-up theme and drink all day is a legit one.

12. More beer + more testosterone = pull-up contest at different bar.

13. Bartenders will leave their posts to come have a quick golf lesson.

14. Boys are silly.

15. If you have a golf club, but no golf balls...bar limes work just as well. (See the next one sitting on the sidewalk just waiting to get whacked across Main Street?)

16. LK takes her work as the tally girl VERY seriously.

17. We'll take any chance to pose for pics that we can.

I'm going to just go ahead and say it...we don't have nearly enough bar crawls. There's nothing quite like spending all day bar-hopping with great friends, in paradise where it's sunny and 75, acting ridiculous, eating rum cake out of Ziplocs (thanks to AM for having her purse stocked), having one person wearing a whistle and blowing it to give 10 minute warnings at each bar, dancing in the streets, and laughing at everything. Aaahhhhhh, good times.